I go to the gym regularly and have done so for years. When I’m there, I’m focused on my workout, but I’m a friendly guy, so if someone says hi or strikes up a conversation, I engage. And when I see someone I haven’t seen before, I’ll smile or nod, saying, ‘Hey.’ It’s all part of the unwritten rules of gym membership—be courteous to your fellow gymgoers.
Before the holidays, I noticed someone at the gym I hadn’t seen before, so I acknowledged him with a nod of the head that clearly meant, ‘Hey.’ He did not smile or acknowledge me. This happened over several workouts, so I began to think, “It can’t be me; it must be him.”
My opinion of him soured each time I felt ignored and disrespected. The feeling that “it’s him, it couldn’t possibly be me” deepened. I judged him based on his lack of response.
Days later, something happened to change my mind. I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror while lifting weights. My facial expression wasn’t conveying what I had assumed was my usual happy, friendly self; in fact, I didn’t look friendly at all.
It WAS me.
I made an unfair assumption that he was unfriendly. I judged him without knowing him.
Who am I to judge another based on my perceived notion of what being friendly looks like?
“It’s you, not me”
I didn’t know what his life was like outside the gym—maybe his workouts were an escape from trauma or a stressful job. Maybe he was recovering from an accident or health-related issue. Regardless, I was wrong to judge him and disappointed in myself.
I made a conscious decision to be more mindful of my expression when working out AND to be less judgmental of others. While it has taken intentional effort, it’s been worth it. I feel lighter and more carefree as I engage with people I don’t know because I’m not constantly applying preconceived notions or judgment on them.
Too often, we find ourselves heading to a place of immediate judgment because it’s easy. The assumption that “it’s you, not me” conveniently makes us feel better about jumping to conclusions. We make a judgment without knowing or caring what another person is experiencing outside of the quick, one-off interaction we have with them. And I bet if we knew half of what others were experiencing, we’d quickly adjust our behaviour.
A day or two after that realization, that guy said hi to me in the locker room. And it wasn’t long before we were having conversations each time we saw one another. Turns out that he’s a nice guy, and we have a lot in common. And we continue to chat whenever we see one another at the gym.
It wasn’t him; it was ME all along.
I continue to work on being less judgmental and more mindful of my perceptions and interactions with others, and I encourage you to try it as well. It feels good, and you meet some amazing people when you aren’t leading with judgment.
Be authentic. Be real. Be kind.
-David
